Twenty-Four Years of Life Lessons
by dylanSnow

Twenty-Four years worth of life lessons for my son: 1: When you are 17 and discover that the only way to enjoy any high school event requires a metal flask of pure grain alcohol and some Sprite to wash it down with, there is something important to keep in mind. When you first take the metal flask out of the freezer don’t take a direct swig. Your lips will freeze to the flask. When you rip them off the flask the pure grain alcohol will betray you like your mother did me. It will cause a lot of pain. 2: In college, don’t ever video tape anything that you are dared into by ‘friends’. It only comes back to haunt you later. Especially if a jury, a judge, and a paternity trial have any say in it. 3: The only time it is appropriate to pick through trail mix or mixed candy to take out all the parts you like is the holiday season. Or if your mother bought some. I also give you permission to pick through her purse and take money from time to time. If you ever get caught just tell her this is the money that she took from your dad and it is supposed to be yours anyhow. Go buy some pot. If your mother has a boyfriend plant unwrapped condoms in the bed for him to find when he sleeps over. 4: Babies don’t come from storks. They come from women like your mother lying about being on birth control. Also, babies are not made of sugar and everything sweet. They are made of puke and shit. Can you recall ever seeing a happy parent? Neither can I son, neither can I. 5: If your mother ever catches you doing anything all you need to say is “Colorado State Frat House, 2002” That statement will pretty much let you get away with anything that she ever catches you doing. More importantly, don’t be stupid enough to get caught in the first place. If you do get caught you deserve to get caught. 6: The most important things in life will make you laugh. When you hear “It is time to get serious,” that is the best time to daydream. You won’t be missing anything worth your time. 7: ‘No’ always means no. Unless you set up a safe word before the act and are role-playing. If this is the case, You rock little dude! 8: It doesn’t matter how classy they seem, always remember to put your wallet in the pillowcase before you fall asleep. 9: Authority figures are going to tell you drugs are bad. They are lying. They are lying about most everything. Drugs are good. Sex is great. Sex and drugs as a combination is even better. 10: A good rule of thumb to measure people by when they are trying to impart knowledge onto you is to ask them what they love about their job and what they hate about it too. Any one who says, “Because I love children” is either a liar or a child molester; stay away from them. Any one who answers that they hate, “Dealing with children like you,” is obviously a very honest person. They care nothing of your feelings, ask them more questions and expect real answers. But for the most part, don’t take anybody’s word for anything. Experience things for yourself and come to your own conclusions. 11: They can’t arrest you for your prescription drugs. 12: Santa, Leprechauns, The Easter Bunny, gods, Jesus, monogamy, etc etc - all shams. However, The Tooth Fairy is real. Not the one they tell you about. The real one is named Lou and works on up on 15th street. He works somewhat opposite of the real Tooth Fairy. If you don’t pay up he’ll knock your teeth out. Don’t ever borrow money from him that you can’t pay back. 13: That “Real World” doesn’t exist. If you are good enough at what you love people will pay you to keep doing it for their enjoyment. This has been the only sign of a higher power I have ever seen. It may not be much money, but it will be enough to get you by and keep letting you do what you love. Growing up lots of people will tell you about ‘The Real’ world. What they really mean by ‘real world’ is “My life sucks, I can’t bear it alone, I want you to suffer the same failed dreams as me.” 14: Don’t ever think it is your fault that I died. It is your mother’s. 15: If you don’t enjoy algebra, calculus, or trigonometry then you will never have a use for them. These are the classes you get to be high for. Trig is an amazing high. Don’t get high before classes you enjoy. 16: Tomorrow is always the best time of your life. Anybody that says, “These moments will be the best time of your life,” lives a horrible life and will continue to do so from that point on. Only hang out with people who refuse to believe “these are the best moments,” but don’t get caught up in it. Any moment is usually pretty decent if you just let it be.

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